March 10, 2013 § Leave a comment
I happened to read on Swedish Radio’s web-page “I wanted to kill my dad”. In my quick translation from Swedish:
“I thought I deserved to be beaten, that it was my own fault because I was so stupid and worthless.
Peter Westberg who is 21 years old and lives in Umeå was abused by his dad from age five years to age eight. Then school perssonel started to understand what was going on. After threats of being reported the abuse stopped, but the wounds in Peter were deep and would take time to heal.
Sweden banned corporal punishment of children 1979, but despite this several studies have shown that 10 percent of all children in Sweden have been beaten at some time by an adult in the home. 6 percent of all children in Sweden have been beaten on repeated occasions. And there are a large number of unrecorded cases.
When Peter were in his teens the hatred he had locked inside him started to bubble up. He became afraid of himself, for what he felt. He wanted to kill his perpetrator, his dad. Today he is 21 years old and after speaking with people in the psychiatric ward [in Umeå] he has started to write about what he has experienced; this becoming the basis for a book. There he tells about his exposure/vulneralibility and about an adult world that let him down. But it’s also a story about reconciliation.”
Why is it so important to reconcile? And forgive? For whose sake? For the victim’s? Anger will poison his soul? Or what?
With this said I’m not blaming this young man. I’m just questioning the helpers, and most people in the society who want to here people forgive their perpetrators, especially if they are their parents.
I think Alice Miller was right when she claimed that how can you forgive someone that hasn’t asked forgiveness? Why should you? Why should you forgive someone that doesn’t truly understand and regret what he/she has done?
If that person were to understand even with her/his emotions would this be any problem any more?
Is it possible to heal without this forgiveness and reconciliation? Or is it actually impossible?
Would it be too painful not to forgive? Or is it possible to feel at least parts of this pain with appropriate help? And maybe that helper doesn’t necessarily have to a professional helper?
This “demand” of forgiveness is it for he helpers sake? For to calm them down?
I hope they don’t feel for protecting either the parents or themselves at Barnahusen (House for Children, created by Save the Children) that are created to help children who have been abused (physically, sexually and emotionally?).
The child advocate Andrew Vachss was pushing Oprah in one of her programs on this issue (see the videos here); when she minimized and belittled what she had been through early in life (by forgiving and reconciling with her abusers, something people in general applaud unfortunately).
July 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
“One wants to be loved, in lack thereof admired, in lack thereof feared, in lack thereof loathed and despised. One wants to instill some sort of emotion in people. The soul shivers before emptiness and wants contact at any price.” (From Doctor Glas)
Guardian on the shootings.
‘There was a shooting at a political camp, which sounds a little like, you know, the Hitler youth. I mean, who does a camp for kids that’s all about politics?’ said Beck. ‘Disturbing.’/…/
The camp in Norway was for young people in ages 14-20 and Beck’s camp is for kids 8-12. Isn’t that quite a big difference?
Addition: but possibly having been misterated early in life is no excuse for what the offender did (or for what any offender does), it’s only an explanation, and we could learn from this: prevent things from happening in the future by treating our kids with deepest respect, understand ourselves as individuals and as a human species better, so we live better lives and don’t pass on what we experienced on those weaker than we are, and treat the ones that are harmed more efficiently.
See Alice Miller’s essay “Adolf Hitler: How Could a Monster Succeed In Blinding a Nation?” and “The Childhood Origins of Terrorism” at nospank.net. And as Jordan Riak says:
“The truth about abusive child rearing and all its ugly, dangerous social fallout needs to be reported frankly and unapologetically. // Sanningen om misshandlande barnuppfostran och alla dess fula, farliga biverkningar behöver frankt redogöras för utan att man ber om ursäkt för det.”
But all don’t become criminals or killers, because they must have had someone there early who to some extent could help the child question what it had been exposed to, that the child didn’t deserve this treatment for his/her own good.
April 19, 2011 § Leave a comment
October 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
Denna bok fanns med i senaste boktidningen för Barnens bokklubb och jag reagerade direkt negativt. Varför behöver unga kvinnor (människor) egoboostas? Vad är det som gör att de saknar självkänsla?
Borde man försöka börja där, om det är möjligt, istället för att tillföra den saknade självkänslan liksom utifrån?
Om man lyckades med det skulle det ge ett bättre resultat både för individen OCH dennas/dennes omgivning? Samt ett resultat som var längre räckande? Kanske räckande hela livet ut?
April 24, 2010 § 4 Comments
Addition April 30:
“Alice Miller, Psychoanalyst, Dies at 87; Laid Human Problems to Parental Acts” in New York Times by William Grimes. Also see this article here.
“Alice Miller’s Gift to Humanity” by Olivier Maurel April 2010.
“Spankings. Questions and answers about disciplinary violence” by Olivier Maurel.
“Why we blame our parents” by Tara Parker-Pope in New York Times.
Addition May 3: The Swedish pediatrician Lars H. Gustafsson about Alice Miller.
He writes, in my amateur translation to English, that he had the advantage (or benefit) of meeting Miller at a small, informal seminar Save the children arranged around 25 years ago. An overwhelming meeting he writes.
He had just written his book “Leva med barn” (Live with children) and asked Miller how she looked at “the problem” with parents’ guilt feelings.
He told her that he met many parents with high demands on themselves, parents constantly walking around with bad conscience.
He had also noticed when he gave lectures for parents about children’s needs and rights that this easily made such feelings arise.
He didn’t know how to handle this.
Miller interrupted him, fastened her eyes on him and said sharply:
“My dear friend, parents SHALL have bad conscience. They have to take this, it is their damn duty.
When parents have done so many bad things to their kids through the years…
No, don’t come here now and talk about bad conscience as a problem in this circumstance! They are grown up people, aren’t they!”
Many people in the Swedish media (and not only in Swedish media) are in denial, have fairly strong defences? Denying what Miller has written about and the importance of those things? Denying how in fact essential the way we treat our kids are?
Addition May 5: See the article ”How I Found Alice Miller, and Lost Her” by Jane Isay.