Dysfunctional family…

June 9, 2014 § 5 Comments


Being forced to keep quiet not to challenge a relation, what kind of relation is that? Keeping quiet and being forced is (or can be) to lie to oneself my sambo suggested quite wisely I thought.

If my sister’s daughter expressed strong opinions (about politics and the society) that wouldn’t challenge my relation to my sister!”

my sambo said.

”It’s not your responsibility to keep quiet to save your parents relation with a sibling!”

If it should challenge it you can start to wonder if that’s a sign of dysfunctions in this family.

Silencing and telling your child what it is allowed to say and not say what is that is violation of your child’s integrity, and right to think or feel what it feels and thinks. And the child maybe also have the right to express it if necessary or if she or he feels it’s necesssary or important.

This is to be allowed to be true to yourself. And you as a parent should allow your child to be true to her/himself.

You should be allowed this as long as you don’t hurt the other person.

Yes, has it been and is it still tip-toeing in this extended family of origin (with grandparents, sisters and brothers with their families)? A tip-toeing where you weren’t really allowed to be yourself? And what did this result in in the individual as well as in relations between family members? What did it do in the kids? In their view on themselves and their role in the family and latter in the society? How did this affect the self-esteem for instance? 

To raise your voice demands a lot of courage, moral courage. Threatened that something awful would happen. You challenged your wellbeing? Would be frozen out? At the same time you shouldn’t lie, and you shouldn’t hide your light under a bushel!

This wasn’t easy to handle?




§ 5 Responses to Dysfunctional family…

  • k says:

    Have we been assigned a role of keeping quiet? Of being the ones responsible for the domestic peace and that we get along with each other in the family? Is that responsibility solely some peoples’ job? Shouldn’t it be everybody’s job and responsibility? Or nobody’s?

    Is our role to apologize for who we are and what we are? Should it have been our role even from the start?

    And here I can only speak for my point of view. How other people see it I maybe don’t have a clue.

    I’m tired of this! And if the fact that I, or a sibling, starts to speak up causes breaks with people I don’t think those relations are anything to nurture! I can be without them! And the reactions that came up even strentghtens me in this thought: I don’t care if I ever have any contact with those people, and by the way I haven’t had since I was very young… So.

    And strictly speaking; nobody has any responsibility for what a predecessor has done. Every person has only responsibility for what he or she has done!

    I don’t have any responsibility for what my parents might have done, neither for what my grandparents did.

    And we have free speach in this country, so I should have the right to raise my voice as much as anybody!

    Nobody who entered this argument or liked what others said can be taken away from the responsibility! And the one who probably will get the last word didn’t contribute to the domtestic peace either! At all! She didn’t have any facts to come with to calmly discuss.

    She supported her son as much as I am allowed to support my sister and my family if I want to.

    That’s how it is, but that’s not what I have thought. 😦

  • k says:

    One of my sisters reacted on a link to an article a cousin put up on facebook, an article concerning politics. She questioned what she read. Then a male cousin on the other side, M (cousin to our cousin), jumped in. It was as little “necessary” that he should, as it was that we should answer back. It wasn’t “necessary” for his mom to like his comment, but she did! If domestic peace is so important they could have kept quiet? And if my sister had been the only commentator I would probably not have supported her either in public.

    With liking her son’s comment to my sister’s comment the mom supported her son – and actually agreed with what he wrote, which of course is her right.

    If he didn’t know who my sister was, his mom should know! And chosen not to enter the debate or any argument or even in public support her son. But she did. To me it looks like she has some kind of personal grudge to my sister, as a representative for our family of origin? Of some reason. A reason I can’t see or understand! We were kids or at most teens when we had anything to do with her or her son(s)!

    He DIDN’T have to comment! And she DIDN’T have to like what he wrote. But she in fact originally supported what he did. Thinking loudly: maybe neither one expected that we would comment and argue back (especially not three women would do that, and absolutely not from this family), and stand up for ourselves? According to an unwritten role we have been assigned?

    And then when this didn’t suit her any more she called her son back:

    “For god’s sake, M.; stop this argument! I’m sick and tired of hearing once again about the ‘worn out grandfather’! I can’t forget when ‘he’ [the worn out grandfather] lashed out at your five year old brother [about things one of this kid’s predecessors had done earlier to my grandpa, and I don’t support this treatment from my grandpa to a small child, at all. He didn’t have anything with anything to do, but so don’t we have anything with things to do between adult people! And, this is all beside the point!]”

    My sambo said: “You have the right to say ‘Fuck you TOO!” If they say “Fuck you!” to you you have the right to say “fuck you” back!

    I think this whole part of the family (and those two persons aren’t even relatives to us) has a grudge against us. To us all. A grudge agianst us, that we even exist on this earth!? I don’t think any of us kids (who are now adults since long) have done ANYTHING to her or her son! The only thing I can think of is that we exist and are kids to our parents! And what mom or even dad have done I wonder. But as little as her son should be punished for what one of his relatives had done earlier, we shouldn’t get punished! And we have rights to express opinions as much as anybody else!

    We were KIDS!

    Yes, “Fuck you TOO!!!”

    I’m tired of keeping quiet! If we don’t mean more to these relatives why should we exert ourselves to the utmost any more? Why should I?

    And maybe we broke a golden rule by speaking up; the rule that we should keep quiet by all means? Yes, FUCK YOU!!!

    I have had enough of apologizing for who I am and what I am!

  • k says:

    Kan S ana att hon bidrog till konflikten undrar jag högst sarkastiskt.

    Istället för att låta M och E eventuellt käbbla själva, valde hon att gå in och stötta sin (väl fullvuxne) son genom att gilla hans motkommentar till E. Detta sammantaget gjorde mig oerhört arg, så jag gav mig in i kommenterandet, något jag annars troligen inte skulle ha gjort.

    Visste hon inte vem E var? Eller visste hon det mycket väl? Var det just det hon visste? Och som sagt, man kan undra vad hon kan ha för horn i sidan till oss, som var barn och högst tonåringar när vi sist hade något med varandra att göra?

    Att stötta honom var det inte litet utmanande och kunde det inte uppfattas som litet utmanande? Fattar hon det eller är hon faktiskt väldigt medveten om det?

    Kanske räknade hon inte med att de skulle få sånt mothugg? Att vi skulle vara kapabla till sånt mothugg och sluta upp för en syster så? För det är inte så vi reagerat tidigare? Tvärtom!?

    Jag fick tvärtemot höra att jag var så tyst och tillbakadragen när jag var strax under tonåren!

    Jag är dessutom inte säker på att kanske någon av mina systrar visste med vilka de kommunicerade. Kanske E visste eller kom på efter hand. Jag visste det hela tiden.

    Och så hoppade den där politikerkvinnan © på oss också, med att avfärda oss och det vi skrev som ”kvalificerat svammel.” Hon visste kanske inte heller att vi är kusiner alla tre med I? Fattar hon det nu och inser att hon kanske också bidrog till att skapa motsättning?

    Så det är flera, och inte bara jag, som bidragit till att äventyra “samset”! Flera vuxna personer som bidragit till det. Inte minst S.! M kanske inte heller visste vilka vi är?

    Nej, vad gjorde jag för fel med att hoppa in? Jag har väl lika stor rätt som nån att uttrycka mina åsikter och också ifrågasätta det andra torgför, precis som de tar sig rätten att ifrågasätta det jag uttrycker!

  • k says:

    All four of us are responsible for what happened. You can’t solely put the responsibility on one person. Or have less high demands on some of the participants. You should have as high on everybody.

    E had the right to express what she thought and reacted at, as an independent person. M has a responsibility, as much as anybody else, not less. If he is a shit he is? (He sounded like the trolls you meet at the Internet) S who supported him also has. She fuelled the debate, and she must have been aware of that that could be the case.

    T and I have the right to raise our voices as much as anybody else if somebody is jumped on, if we feel it’s “necessary”.

    What this shows (and maybe the “family” wants to deny) is that there are problems in it? And they want to deny what kind of problems. You are not allowed to even try to put them in words.

    How important are those contacts? Are there other people in this world, who like you as the one you are and with whom you are growing instead of the opposite?

    It has been too much pretending and lying? I’m fed up with it. It feels like we have backed off to much. And I can only talk for us here. Or just talk for me?

    If the relation with us isn’t more important I can’t understand why we should exert ourselves so much, as if we weren’t more worth? Why we did this to begin with? Am I worth more? Are we worth more? Almost standing there with the hat in our hands and with our heads bowed? Just like the employee in front of his employer!

    Isn’t the (supposed?) fun we had together more worth?

    • k says:

      Blev M (mannen/sonen) “scolded” för sina kommentarer av sin mamma (S)? Det är okej om en man “hoppar på” en annan (och kanske inte minst en kvinna)? Men om en kvinna biter ifrån så är det inte riktigt “fint”? Den förra får breda ut sig (som en grovhuggen mansgris), men den senare ska helst göra sig så osynlig som möjligt, utplåna sig helst? Som kvinna ska man vara tillbakadragen, osynlig, inte framhäva sig eller sitt? Men kan man vara högst ljuv och kvinnlig och älskansvärd fast (eller kanske tack vare) att man (kan) bita ifrån om det behövs och kanske t.o.m. sätta en man på plats? Jag har inte sett denne man sen han blev vuxen så vitt jag vet, men om han brås på sin pappa så är han ganska stor och kraftig.

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